Drug crazed addict doesn't go on crime spree

London: Chris Morley, a successful hedge-fund manager binged on cocktails and hundreds of pounds worth of cocaine with friends last weekend, and went on to a cocktail party, where he acted like an obnoxious twat for the rest of the night. Chris, who has been a heavy drug user for over 13 years is described by friends as a 'vile backstabbing leech' and has only been in trouble for so much as urinating in public, and being drunk and disorderly. A spokesman for the Metropolitan police yesterday claimed "While technically, all illegal narcotics are frowned upon, it's far harder for us if it's not immediately obvious who is and isn't using drugs. Our officers stand a far greater chance of completing targets if the user is obviously consuming the drugs in a public state, has no viable legal defence, and who will afford us greater viability in the public eye."

The tactic is being reinforced throughout the policing infrastructure, with easier targets such as underage drinkers and elderly shoplifters seen as an excellent way to boost targeted performance.

Home secretary Jacqui Smith added "The last thing the police need in this climate is someone who can make them look bad - The only time they can feasably do any proper work is if there's a protest, and they can fulfil their months arrest quotas in one or two days".